Badges of Ignorance

J. M. VENTURA

English mistakes might be the cheapest form of entertainment known to gaijin in Japan. Seeing an older gentlemen board the train in Osaka wearing a "Sperman" T-shirt can overcome the worst of days - believe me. The "No Warking" sign at a crosswalk in Nara is much more than just a misspelled road sign: it's a shared laugh between English speakers, it's an inside joke that will never get old - not until the wood rots and the shirts get tossed, anyway.

Fans of Engrish.com, a website documenting unintentionally humorous English mistakes - known as "Engrish" - may be interested to note that a new website is turning the tables on the idea that only Japanese mistakes are funny. Fans of hanzismatter.com would tell you that the gaffs found there are often much funnier - and longer lasting.

Tian TANG is the man behind hanzismatter.com. A native of China, Tang came to the U.S. when he was 13 and says he noticed the misuse of his native language immediately, but it wasn't until a few summers ago he got the idea to start documenting the misused characters.

Hanzismatter.com features examples of misused Chinese characters, Hanzis, and Kanjis on T-shirts, sneakers, and advertisements, but the real draw is his collection of flubbed tattoos. Tang says the number of incorrect tattoos sent is bemusing: "I usually just shake my head. I feel like a medical examiner looking over a dead body, trying to figure out what went wrong."

The tattoos on Tang's website are egregious errors to anyone who can read Chinese or Japanese. Often times the owner can only be grateful that their tattoo is nothing but gibberish. Randomly putting characters next to each other is a dangerous form of alchemy that often results in some unexpected, but well deserved, badges of ignorance.

The owner of this tattoo chose four kanji that reflected the depth of his inner spirit. Unfortunately for him, together they speak much more to his shallowness. "Ko te jutsu ryu" might be translated as "smooth skill of hands to achieve seeds." Who knows, maybe that is what he was after?

Sometimes the joke is more in the novice writing style of the tattoo artist who can't read or pronounce what they're writing. She wanted "Ai" - "Love" - but got more than she paid for. Companies who make the tattoo templates often add a horizontal bar on the top of the character, sort of a "this side up." The artist thought it was part of the character.

Many of hanzismatter.com's fans can read and write Japanese and Chinese, and often join discussions about ambiguous tattoos featured on the site. The question "why?" has risen several times since Tang started the site: Why are Westerners getting hanzi and kanji tattoos?

One tattoo artist, Devin, took a stab at it: "A kanji is the cheapest thing that you can get at the tattoo parlor. For the most part they require no thought and are chosen on impulse right before getting tattooed. Most of the people who get these tattoos don't care what it is, they just want to be 'cool.'"

One of the best sections on Tang's site focuses on the mistakes of the famous. Despite their wealth, sports heroes and pop stars do little more research than the common folk.

Close to 80% of the tattoos sent in to Tang are incorrect. He sees the same mistakes again and again; leading him to believe the same "flash" are being used. Flash are the panels of designs customers choose from in tattoo parlors. If the company that produces the flash isn't doing their homework, he says, the garbled characters spread like a contagion.

"There is no other business in the world that requires clients to sign liability wavers like tattoo parlors do." Today there are over 4,000 tattoo shops in the U.S. alone, and it's doubtful the tattoo artists are any better at reading and writing Asian languages than you.

"Hi Tian," one visitor writes, "I got this tattoo and I don't have a clue what it means. In fact, I can't even remember getting [it]. So if you are able to enlighten me I would appreciate it."

Another visitor wanted to know the Chinese for "I don't know." "I am looking to get that tat. Just so I can be that asshole when asked, 'what does it mean?'" Tang's response: "Why waste the money and effort to state the obvious?”

American writer Mark TWAIN once pointed out that "the difference between the right word and the almost-right word is the difference between the lightning and the lightning-bug." I would guess it's an even bigger matter when you're talking about permanent ink on skin - it's the difference between body art and a permanent regret."

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