Japanese Parents - Minefield for Foreign Spouses?

For the benefit of readers who are either considering entering or already involved in an international relationship, Hiragana Times offers some valuable tips to help secure your relationship.

When Caucasian Bob* first met Japanese Tomoko* in Australia, he had no idea he would follow her to Japan, fall in love, become a father, divorce and lose his child. "I want to tell my story for the sake of others so that it doesn't happen to them," Bob says. Tomoko adopted her husband's family name as did their child - written in English in the baby's Australian passport and in katakana on Tomoko's koseki (family register).

After their marriage, Tomoko's mother felt it would inconvenience the child to grow up in Japanese society with a foreign surname, especially when it entered kindergarten. A while later, the mother and daughter decided the child should use Tomoko's family name. Without consulting Bob, the pair went to City Hall and changed the child's surname. "My wife never told me, City Hall did not notify me, and did not even require my hanko. It was like being kicked in the face by my wife and a violation of human rights. However, I think she only went to city hall for advice six months prior to my son entering kindergarten, because at the time I was in between jobs and her mother pushed it, I believe. " Bob says. The relationship subsequently broke down and ended in divorce.

Bob says there is a common pattern in many international couples' relationships. "The Japanese parents usually want grandchildren," Bob says. "If the wife gives birth in Japan, her mother will become overprotective and try to take over caring for the baby. The foreign husband may then become upset at the amount of time the grandparents are having with his child. The grandparents will then ask 'We are baby-sitting your child, why are you complaining?', to which the husband will usually reply 'But you are happy to have so much time with your grandchild!'"

Japanese parents tend to predetermine all the growing stages of the baby, Bob says, and they generally do not consider anything outside Japan. "The possibility of the child having dual nationality, living and working overseas, and the fact that the child also has a pair of foreign grandparents who are missing out on valuable time with their grandchild does not register in their minds," Bob says.

Major Security Concerns for Foreign Spouses
Another important issue Bob highlights is security. "Due to Japanese laws, a foreign man can never be the head of the household. In most cases, the foreign partner is almost totally dependant on the Japanese spouse, regardless of status. She must sign everything including all legal documents. In the event of a major argument or disagreement, the foreign partner is almost never standing on solid ground. Foreigners in general have no real security in Japan," Bob says.

If an international couple gets divorced in Japan, Bob continues, the Japanese spouse may take advantage of her husband's insecure legal status. "In order to 'free' the husband to marry someone else, divorce papers must be signed," Bob says. "If a child is involved, the Japanese wife can coerce her husband to give up his rights to their child by threatening to only sign the divorce papers if he grants her custody of the child. This is blackmail, and if he loses his child and his spouse visa expires, he has to leave Japan."

Is there a solution? Bob says there is. "Moving to the foreign spouse's country before any children are born is likely to place both partners on a more equal footing in terms of stability, especially once the Japanese spouse gains residency or citizenship," Bob suggests. "The other option is for the couple to obtain a legally binding affidavit witnessed by a Japanese notary public (koushonin) and get it translated into the foreign spouses native language."

Bob offers the following extra advice to foreign spouses. "Show sincerity towards the parents, learn Japanese and carefully consider the implications of discussing any life-changing decisions with the Japanese parents. Finally, obtain a foreign passport for the child as soon as it is born and be sure to keep it, and your hanko, stored in a safe place."

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