International Marriage
International Marriage
I was taken the very daywe met, but ...
"I was taken the very day we met, but he didn't make a move," says Andrea, a German woman now living in Tokyo, about the first time she met her Japanese husband Toru. "After we got married he told me that he had been feeling 'something,' too, but was not sure how to show it." The pair began dating in 1997, a year after they first met following Andrea's transfer by her company from Hamburg to Osaka, and Toru's transfer by his company from Tokyo to Osaka. "The company (Panalpina) I worked for was a client for my husband's company (Cathay Pacific Airways) and that is how we met." The couple married in 1998.
Andrea, like many gaikokujin living in Japan, is facing difficulties that many other foreigners will be able to identify with. "Firstly, for me it is hard to see that the concept of 'straight forward' does not work too well in Japan, and it causes stress," she says. "Secondly, the mindset of group activity. Even in the daycare center the other Japanese mothers form a group and you have to work hard at becoming 'one of them' and then staying in this group. Once you are out, it gets hard to gather small but important pieces of information about the daycare itself or the curriculum, and little by little your kid becomes isolated. In order to stay in the group, you have to attend every activity planned and make sure to keep being one of them. That is tiring!"
Andrea makes an interesting point when she says a third challenge of living in Japan is to become strong enough to say, "You are doing it your way but I am doing it my way, and both our ways are okay." "I feel in Germany there is so much individuality anyway, but here in Japan things are pretty uniform and to do something different from the masses is tough at times." Another problem she faces is offending Japanese people without being aware of it because she does not use the right keigo (honorific expression). "Generally speaking, the difficulties I have with life in Japan will also become Toru's problems because he is the one who has to help me out!"
But besides the hardships, there are some great points about being in an international relationship too. The couple - defying the trend in Japan towards smaller families - now have five children. Andrea says her kids are one of the big highlights - "They are great and a real blessing!"
Another benefit that is voiced by many in international relationships, is that there is never any idle moment. "It never gets boring," Andrea says. "There are so many ongoing issues on a daily basis where I as a foreigner in Japan or he as a Japanese married to a foreigner have to grow - and that is a nice challenge! And the best thing is that this will never change for I will always be a foreigner in Japan. Apart from that there is the chance to live in one house with two cultures. We can take the best from both of them!"
Her advice about international relationships is to laugh a lot. "Laugh about the differences and don't make them the base for a battlefield. It is not a question of who is right and who is wrong. It is more about how both can be as much as possible their real self. A Japanese partner need not bend themselves to become 'more international' but a foreigner need not make a special effort to become 'Japanese.' There is enough space for both."
