Australian Wife Overcoming Cross Cultural Hurdles

Australian-born Roxanne GWYN-KABAYAMA first came to Japan from Australia in 1999 as an exchange student with the Rotary Exchange program. "I really enjoyed my experience, and decided that I wanted to come back and work in Japan to get a different perspective of the country." With that in mind, she readily agreed to accompany her husband (then boyfriend) Shigeo back to Japan after his student visa to Australia expired.

"Shigeo is from a small island near Okinawa where most men believe that women are there to wash the dishes, make dinner and pour ocha (tea) after dinner, as well as work in the fields side by side with their husbands every day." says Roxanne. "This goes hand in hand with a culture that really encourages drinking, and doing nothing more than going out to 'snack bars' for entertainment with your mates."

"We held our wedding ceremony in Australia in 2000 and 17 Japanese flew over to be there with us," she says. "I am from a small country town 700 km's west of Sydney, so we hired a bus and had an 11-hour tour-guided drive for them from the airport to my hometown the day before the wedding. We arranged a farm tour the morning of the wedding, and then got a local to bring whips and hats to the pub for the guests at lunchtime. We had a bush dance and the Japanese crowd really loved it - they were all doing it in their kimono!" says Roxanne.

After their marriage, many things happened to them. Roxanne explains, "When we first moved to Nagoya Shige decided that he would start a business instead of getting another salary man job. At first we were both excited by the concept, however as time went by it became apparent that Shige needed more direction, and working on his own was proving to be very difficult. Regardless of the fact that I have business, marketing and sales experience, Shige would not take any advice from me. It was very frustrating as I could see things going from bad to worse, but he would not let me help him in any way. I understand now that he was just too consumed with the fear of failure that everything that I said was taken as criticism. This was a vicious circle that didn't end until Shige was able to start working again."

The unexpected events continued. "Shige started working when we found out that I was pregnant in preparation for the time that I would not be able to work after my baby was born," Roxanne says. "Unfortunately, he was not very happy in the job, and did not get on with his boss at all. Although we had told his manager well in advance that Shige was going to be at the birth, when Shige phoned at 6am on the morning that our son was born to tell his boss that he couldn't come to work that day, he was fired!!" says Roxanne.

"Another problem was the snack bars. Because we do not have such a thing in our culture, it was difficult for me to understand why a man would want to go and spend so much money just to 'talk' with a woman. I was sure that there was more in it than that, however I went to the snack bars with Shige and his friends many times and now I understand that they are less of a threat than I thought."

Both care for partners' fathers
For international couples, the relationship with their partner's parents is very important. Roxanne explains about Shigeo parents, "His mother was truly lovely, and throughout our stay was always looking out for me and ensuring that there was plenty for me to eat and drink. She never once expected that I help or do anything, and appreciated everything that I did immensely. I wasn't really sure how to relate to Shige's father, He was somewhat stand offish in regard to me, but not in a bad way, rather it just felt like we didn't really have a lot to talk about, and if we did we probably wouldn't be able to understand each other, so it was better just to sit and smile!"

When she went back to Shigeo's island recently she took the opportunity to ask Shige's mother to return her wedding photo album. "She seemed to be reluctant to return it, and as we talked more she explained to me that Shige's father was very proud to have me as a daughter-in-law, and that whenever he had visitors over he would pull out the wedding album and 'show off' his daughter-in-law with satisfaction," says Roxanne.

Shigeo first met Roxanne's parents when they went back to her hometown. "I was quite wary of her father because when she had told him about my previous job, which was working for my uncle who had his own construction company, her father's only comments were '- so he digs holes!' However, when we actually met things weren't quite so bad," says Shigeo. "Although her mother told her that she didn't want her to live overseas, I felt welcomed, and her father actually gave me a bow tie to wear to the Ball!" Roxanne says, "My mother was doing the right thing and made sure that he had enough to eat. This is definitely universal."

What challenges did Roxanne have to face in Japan? "I have had to become accustomed to NOT showing affection in public, which in itself is not such a hard thing to get used to, but the really difficult thing for me was getting used to being with a man who does not publicly acknowledge his affection for me. Being a gaijin woman in Japan, it is certainly not easy to keep your femininity alive ... the clothes and shoes are always too small, too tight, too cute, the girls around you are almost always shoulder height, and you are able to look men in the eye ... so for women here I think it is difficult to remain 'normal' in the feminine sense."

She offers advice for those who want to marry a foreign partner: "There are many people who are willing to pre-judge international marriage success rates, however I really do think that everything depends on the effort that the partners are willing to put into their relationships," Roxanne says. "One thing that may affect communication in an international relationship is of course language. My advice to any partner in a mixed relationship is to learn your partner's language - not only for communication between the both of you, but for the sanity of your partner, and also for if in the future you have children who prefer to speak your partner's language."